Let’s blog a parade!

Good morning and happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Today, as most days, I’m thankful for caffeine. Probably would help if I was drinking some, but I’ll start with a pumpkin muffin.  Welcome to my annual parade live blog. That means I’ll be updating frequently as time goes on.

I missed part of the roll of stars so we arrive in the middle of the opening performance—which begins with a Black-Eyed Peas song. Well that’s a bad omen.

The Biggest Loser is tackling childhood obesity this year. I do think that’s great, but if you really want to lick that problem, get families back to the dinner table together. And see what you can do about reducing the amount of processed grains in everything.

Elf is a Broadway musical now. I know this sounds awful, but the guy playing Buddy looks like he ate Will Farrell. I suppose this is a more realistic portrayal of a character raised on pure sugar. Yes I know I’m fat too, that’s not my point.

Hey, live-blogging on WordPress turns out to be fantastic. You just hit Update and you’re good to go. This song from Elf, not so fantastic. It’s repetitive and boring, and still on. I love the movie but I’ll give the musical a pass.

No comment on this song with Matthew Broderick. Okay, one comment: Yawn.

Jenna, it’s not called the Macy’s Day parade. Duh. Also, that 1600 Penn show looks absolutely horrible. I wouldn’t watch it with a gun to my head.

How topical! They’re bringing back Annie this year, and giving us a song about how the Depression is depressing. When I heard they were gonna do a song from Annie I feared the worst. And you all know what the worst is. Since I have no interest in this song, I’ve used the opportunity to change my theme. I didn’t mind the old one, but it has this horrible typography plugin that was aggressively overhyphenating everything. Seems to me if you love typography you wouldn’t treat it like that.

Apparently Broadway doesn’t so much have any new musicals this year. Next up is Rogers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella. It’s a classic, at least.

I don’t care, Al, I’m still never watching Revolution.

American Airlines just did the best commercial honoring veterans I’ve seen in a long time. Huge respect to them for that.

“If you are a dog lover and anticipating your version of the Super Bowl….” Oh gads, Al. Great frelling gads, you do not get to demean the king of all sports that way. And I’m speaking no ill of the National Dog Show or of dog lovers. It’s just that you’re comparing apples and the Vince freaking Lombardi trophy.

Holy crap this high school musical song (“I Got You”) is terrible. I missed the name of the actual show it’s from. Lyrical sample: “I got you like Pokemon and Pikachu.” It doesn’t get better. Oh wait, now it’s over; I stand corrected.

I see some balloon previews. Charlie Brown is making his way along the streets of Manhattan. Does this mean there’s no Snoopy? Because that’s kind of a bummer. Fortunately, the Rockettes are here to cheer me up.

And here we go, coming up on 10 AM it’s time for the official start of the parade. And the first balloon. Hello, Kitty! She’s flying a plane this time; looks kind of small for her.

This isn’t really a new revelation, but Chris Isaak has a fantastic voice.

Look, I don’t care how much your kid likes puppies. Parents, stop buying those stupid “____ Buddies” and Santa Paws movies Disney keeps puking out. Something like 99 cents on the dollar are probably going to line the pockets of corporate stooges who want to make it illegal for you to whistle, and the other cent is paying one of the crap writers who came up with the “dialogue”.

Tom Turkey is back again, and Geoffrey Zakarian is riding this time. Behind him we have Kermit’s balloon.

Carly Rae Jepsen is on top of the youth hockey float bringing us a song: This Kiss. I like this one. Haven’t disliked one of her singles yet. Yes, I enjoy bubblegum pop, and don’t give me any lip about it.

Charlie Brown is chasing the football. Lucy Van Pelt is nowhere to be seen. Nor is a DVD version of Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown—what’s that all about? Ah, there’s Lucy, and Snoopy, and Linus. No Snoopy balloon. More Rockettes, please.

The Sesame Street float is back. Portions by Elmo may be prerecorded. I hear the show isn’t what it was when I was a kid, which is a shame, but I hope it stays around as at least some shadow of its former glory for a long, long time.

Here comes Kung Fu Panda. You know, I’ve still never seen that movie, or the sequel. I’d really like to, I just never got to it.

Now we have a Gibson Guitar float with Jimmy Fallon. I thought Gibson was facing severe financial troubles after some idiot bureaucrats gave them the runaround for violating import laws (for freaking wood) they didn’t actually violate. Glad to know they’re still around—Gibson, that is. Also Jimmy Fallon. I love this guy’s energy.

Memo to all blogging and comment platforms everywhere: A double hyphen is an acceptable way of entering a long dash. Let me use it.

Now a number celebrating… Mexico. Uh, yeah. Look, I’m all for celebrating cultural diversity, but this is like having Santa at a St. Patrick’s parade. Makes no sense.

Karmin is performing now, at an accelerated tempo, which is really funny to watch. They can’t even breathe while lip-syncing at that pace.

I’ve never heard of this Julius character in the balloon. He’s a monkey. I feel old. They’re followed up by the Oneida float. Now in the context of Thanksgiving, this makes sense.

That commercial with Phil Mickelson always freaks me out, because he has the worst crazy eyes I’ve ever seen. He looks like he’s plotting to kill literally everyone. Watching him pull out a baseball bat is terrifying.

Don McLean, singing American Pie. Really? He was introduced before the break as “America’s great Don McLean”. Really? Who didn’t you book? Oh gads, his singing has gone downhill too. Spider-Man, you know where to aim that web. Fun fact: They’re gonna reboot this balloon every two blocks.

Power Rangers Megaforce is performing in front of Macy’s now. Or… was. That didn’t last long. I never got into that show when it was big, on account of it looked incredibly stupid. Speaking of inexplicably popular, boy band The Wanted is on the Hess float. I kid of course; I’ve heard worse, though their songs universally fail to inspire. This falsetto has me wondering though if they’re gonna be to a future generation what the Bee Gees are to mine, by which I mean heavily mocked.

There goes Pikachu, and now that Mindless Self-Indulgence song is in my head. You know the one. You’re welcome.

Here are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I know Donatello is supposed to be the nerd, but isn’t he a little pale even for that? Neon Trees is performing “Everybody Talks” behind them. Gads I hate this song. Something about it annoys me in exactly the opposite way that “Animal” rocked.

Holy cow, this is awesome. There’s an ’80s dance number performing now. Love it.

Kidz Bop is singing on a float. They’re singing something kid-appropriate for the first time ever, the ridiculously dated and tired “ABC” by the Jackson 5. Normally they’re bringing kids covers of songs that kids should have minimal exposure to.

I don’t buy Whoopi Goldberg as a pirate. Especially after those Poise commercials. And here’s another balloon I’ve never heard of. No idea who Rex the Dragon is either.

Papa Smurf is making his way down the street now, doing promos for their new unrequested sequel. I like that this year we get a specific smurf.

Another great commercial from American Airlines honoring our vets. What got into these guys? I want to hug somebody for these ads.

The Spirit of America dance team is performing in very weird masks after being inspired by Lady Gaga. I recognize Lady Gaga is a legitimately talented artist, but seeking her out as a source of inspiration is kind of like seeking out celebrities as a source of spiritual wisdom.

This next balloon is freaking bizarre. It’s the signature character of an artist named Kaws, called Companion. If you missed it, I’ll let you Google it if you don’t especially value sleep. It’s not difficult to see why they managed to name Tim Burton in the same sentence while talking about the artist.

Oh gads, Flo Rida. This yutz is everywhere. I hate, hate, hate every single one of his songs with their horrendous Auto-tune whine, and you can’t get away from them because they’re played on a continuous loop on every pop station in the country and in every movie promo. Nicki Minaj rage scale: 9.

Folgers, a brand that has notoriously gone downhill, brings back their new classic “You’re my present this year” commercial. Still love that commercial. It’s right up there with the classic “It’s Peter” from the ’80s.

The Breakfast Clowns just went by, and now I’m craving toast. Some kid’s farm show called Sprout has a weird song about squeaking.

Kool-Aid Man! Oh yeah! Wait, they said Kool-Aid is launching two new flavors next year: watermelon and lemonade. Lemonade? That’s not a new flavor, you morons! If they’re launching it that means they’re just plain bringing back a flavor they discontinued. And why in the world did they discontinue it in the first place?

Sailor Mickey is coming. For the privilege of seeing him, you now owe Disney $2.47. Hey, I don’t make the rules. Yet.

Oooh, more bubblegum pop. This is Megan & Liz, listener favorites from I Heart Radio. I haven’t heard this on the radio yet, because that jerk Flo Rida was busy monopolizing it. Seems like pop has become polarized in recent years; there’s no middle-of-the-road good stuff. Ten years ago the Corrs performed “Breathless” in the parade; now there’s a pop song.

No, I’m not going to watch 1600 Penn, I told you. I don’t care if Bill Pullman is the president. If he’s not firing missiles at aliens, I’m not gonna watch. But may the Schwartz be with him anyway.

Sonic the Hedgehog is here. Remember when Sonic was awesome? (If you’re younger than 25, the answer is no.)

NBC is telling us we can share why we’re thankful by using the hashtag #WhyImThankful. I’m thankful I don’t use Twitter yet.

Ronald McDonalad has arrived, which reminds me I have a bacon egg & cheese biscuit in the fridge. I was gonna nuke it halfway through the parade, but then I realized I can’t eat that and type.

Colbie Caillat has a Christmas song to perform. I do enjoy her voice, but I wonder if I could take an entire Christmas album in this style. Guess I’ll have to head to Amazon to preview some tracks to find out. (Update: Turns out the answer to my question is no.)

OfficeMax brings us the Heartland Hoedowners, who are clogging their little hearts out. It’s cute, and one of the best dance numbers of the day. These kids are seriously talented, and some of them are quite young. Fantastic job, guys.

Nickelodeon star Rachel Crow is singing on the Dora float. Her voice is failing to impress me. Oh well, as long as her musical output once she grows up doesn’t suck.

Aflac! I kinda wish the guy from the commercials who always shows up was leading the float. I also kinda wish we had a float with the Allstate mayhem guy, though I guess everyone would be afraid to be near it.

Ack! I have nothing against Trace Adkins personally, but I’m allergic to country.

Um… the Elf on the Shelf balloon looks like Big Boy. Now I deeply, deeply miss TJ’s Big Boy in Fairmount, and even more I miss my grandparents who we used to always go there with.

Local commercials. Gianelli sausage shows us simmering links and an omelette. 5:00 is a long, long way away.

“The Nutcracker and his furry nemesis Mouse King” are on bicycles. The Nutcracker’s nemesis is a mouse king? I never knew the story. I don’t get ballet.

Cody Simpson. More bubblegum pop: “Wish You Were Here”. Liking this quite a bit too, actually. Behind him, here comes Buzz Lightyear, reminding me I still haven’t seen Toy Story 3. I actually want to rewatch 1 and 2 first, but I can’t get through the Sarah McLachlan song in Toy Story 2 without crying. It’s worse than the commercials with the animals for me.

Another Nickelodeon singer, Jennette McCurdy. Nice voice, good cover of this Christmas song (“That’s What Christmas Means to Me”). I could use more of the accompaniment though; it needs some punch.

There’s a Wreck-It Ralph commercial. Go see that; it’s terrific.

Mannheim Steamroller brings us the classic “Silver Bells” in their inimitable style. And behind them, there’s a truck full of newsies heralding the character Virginia from that animated special I still can’t be bothered to see. And now, the final musical number. I can’t make out the lyrics but it’s something about Santa and books and cheering.

The classic Macy’s balloon elves are leading the way for Santa Claus. It looks like they’re continuing the same song on his float.

Watching all that confetti come down makes me really wish for snow. Not right this minute, but I kind of wish it would snow tomorrow. Guess we’ll have to wait for the weekend. This also means I’m going to have to do some hardcore cleaning to get ready for the tree. This season has really snuck up on me this year. And now, the parade is finished, and it’s time to endure the long wait until the devouring of the great bird. Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

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About Lummox JR

Aspiring to be a beloved supervillain
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2 Responses to Let’s blog a parade!

  1. Lynn Gaiteri says:

    AFLAC gets the prize today

  2. doug sala says:

    oh Lee(bigfoot) i will now be following your blogging. hope all is well.

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