Occasionally my job requires forays into Web design. In particular, because Internet Explorer is pretty much the only browser that can be embedded into an application (at least easily), I’m often forced to deal with IE. On these occasions I also fight the urge to curse. (I very seldom use bad language. Characters I write, that’s different.) I realize it’s breaking no new ground to rant about what a terrible, awful, horrible piece of crap that browser is, but there’s a point to bringing up this subject and I’ll get to it eventually.
I was downright giddy when I heard all the major websites were giving up on IE6, because its brokenness was legendary. IE7 was the first version Microsoft produced that could, somewhat, be worked with. It still has some bad quirks; it still has that stupid hasLayout “feature”. (If you’ve ever done anything with CSS for a site and had to deal with wonky IE issues, you know what I’m talking about. And if I was a drinking man, you’d probably offer to buy me a beer to commiserate. I’ll take a Mountain Dew though.) But by and large, IE7 isn’t half bad; it’s just 49% bad. It just seems to suck that much worse when you have to work around a number of disparate system configurations to still get even that much to work.
Still though, it should come as no surprise to anyone that the second item down on my to-do list after I achieve my life’s dream is to nuke Redmond. (First on the list: Drive the mosquito to extinction.) I waver on this all the time of course, and I’m afraid Windows 8 will steel my resolve. Obviously it’s only fair to evacuate everyone first; the goal is just to deliver some semblance of geographic justice. I mean, I’m sure most of the bad choices that have gone into Windows and other Microsoft products over the years were implemented only reluctantly, by extremely smart people at the behest of very dim middle managers and even dimmer focus groups. (Five words: Office twenty-ten ribbon. Really?) Besides, just launching without regard to human life would be the kind of bonehead move that’d just beg for an impromptu visit from James Bond, whereas my way I’ll probably have more volunteers than I can shake Roosevelt’s proverbial Big Stick at.
I figure this goal should also be good incentive to get some top-notch Linux gurus onto my world domination technical team. The trick is having to sort out the hipsteresque elitists, whom I disaffectionately call penguin-thumpers. Ideally my henchtechs should understand Linux in and out, but be fully capable of seeing the good in Windows and Apple too. Also, since I have no intention of actually living on any of my tropical islands, there’d be plenty of living space to offer for generous relocation packages.
Did I mention the henchtechs will get a cut of all the license fees for spammer hunting?