Things I am indisputably right about: Cherry vanilla

Some time ago I discovered that Häagen Dazs, for all their renown, doesn’t know cherry vanilla from shinola. I thought if anyone made a good cherry vanilla ice cream, it’d be them. But I was wrong: They made it with black cherries.

There’s already a flavor for that. It’s called black cherry. Making it a bit more vanilla doesn’t make it cherry vanilla; it makes it black cherry mixed with vanilla.

Tonight I got burned again. Friendly’s, also renowned for their ice cream, screwed me over the exact same way. Their cherry vanilla ice cream is made with black cherries.

It’s not that I hate black cherry, but it is by no means among my favorite flavors. I don’t particularly care for the flavor of black cherries. I’m a maraschino man through and through. This is why I like cherry vanilla, because cherry vanilla must always be made with maraschino cherries.

The Voice of Duh has spoken!

This does not, of course, mean I like all varieties of cherry vanilla—when they’re made with the right kind of cherry, that is, because otherwise they don’t frelling count. I’ve had kinds that were way more vanilla than cherry, and I don’t really care for vanilla all that much. When I buy cherry vanilla, I do so because I want maraschino cherry flavored ice cream with maraschino cherries in it. It’s not complicated. Cheap brands often get this right more than upscale ones; in retrospect I should never have trusted Häagen Dazs at all. But gads, I should have been able to trust Friendly’s.

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About Lummox JR

Aspiring to be a beloved supervillain
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