Let the mockery begin! The Weather Channel, which took it on themselves last year to start naming winter storms just out of their own sense of self-importance, has storm names for this season all prepared.
Now I will take a moment to suggest that the Tri-State Blizzard of 2013, which they called “Nemo” because they’re feckless yutzes, did lead to some rather clever memes and funny photos on the Internet. I’d like to think, and hope, that those were intended as mockery of the Weather Channel’s screwball pomposity as well. I don’t mind calling it the Tri-State Blizzard of 2013, because it did rate a name, but it rated something a lot less silly than Nemo.
And as long as I’m on the subject, that storm was a bigger deal here in upstate New York than it had any right to be. Apparently the state government spent all last winter skimping on vital road maintenance, as in the actual important thing we pay taxes for. My wife and I drove about a 10-mile stretch twice that night on I-81, which is normally very well plowed, but the plows didn’t come out until extremely late that night, instead of keeping up with the snow as they were supposed to. As a result, a few inches of snow that should have been a cakewalk turned into rather hellish conditions, all because the plows didn’t do their job. I don’t blame the plow operators for this nonsense; I blame the DOT. A four-inch fall shouldn’t lead to conditions like that in an area where we have plows to handle it.
Again let’s review: If it’s a minor storm, it doesn’t rate. If it doesn’t rate, it doesn’t deserve a name. All right, let’s dive into mocking the new list of names.
From the school of disappointment: Atlas, Hercules, Kronos, Maxiumus, Rex, Titan, Ulysses. If these storms fail to live up to their grandiose names, it’s like dubbing a scrawny marching piccolo player “Apex the Great” and plastering bumper stickers with his picture (braces and all) all over his school.
Then there’s the opposite school, where “Murray” and “Bob” sounded too pretentious: Leon, Nika.
Check your horoscope: Gemini. Insert eye roll here.
The unbearably silly department: Cleon, Dion (what, like the singer?), Ion, Wiley, Yona, Zephyr. Is Cleon even a name? If so, should it be? And note that we have Cleon, Dion, and Leon. Disney’s lawyers are already salivating.
Counterintuitive: Pax and Vulcan. Think about it.
Paging Jennifer Garner: Electra. Wait, that was with a K. Maybe they should have just named one of the storms Jennifer Garner. I like that idea better.
Now you’re just making up crap to go with inconvenient letters: Quintus and Xenia. No, I know these are real names. Doesn’t make their presence on this list any less silly, does it? Doesn’t make the existence of the list any less silly, does it?
I can’t go on. The only thing sillier than these names is having the list at all. In spite of whatever they insist, winter storms are not like tropical systems. They’re just bad weather. It snows sometimes. Sack up, already.