Somebody sell me a tree!

I know it’s the end of August, but the time to shop for a Christmas tree is now. I mentioned in an earlier post that I’m in the market again, because last year I was forced to get a new tree (the old one couldn’t handle another year), and I discovered to my great horror that hinged trees are the devil’s work. You can’t put a hinged tree together in a small space. Fluffing its branches is amazingly difficult, lighting it is even more difficult, removing the lights is worse still, and unfluffing to put the tree away is frelling impossible. So this year I’m buying a hook-style tree like my last one. It has to be just under 7.5′, preferably another Douglas fir because I really liked my old tree.

If I can.

There’s the rub! Almost everywhere you look online, all you find are hinged trees, everywhere. Hinged trees are awesome, they say. Hinged trees are so easy to setup and take down. LIES. I think hinged trees are simply easier to make for cheap prelit trees, which is why they’re everywhere. On top of everything else, I want an unlit tree so I can have my own lights and not ever have to worry about replacing the whole tree just because a section went out.

The closest I’ve come in my search so far is Timeless Holidays, a company that makes hook-on trees only and seems to have the exact tree I want—sold out for the season. Only thing is, I’m not sure if “the season” means 2016 or 2017, because if it’s the latter I’m screwed but the former means it ought to come back IN stock. So I tried contacting them, but nobody responded to my email query and their number goes straight to voice mail, and nobody responds to that either. Are they merely operating at skeletal staff levels over the summer and planning to pick up in the fall? (It seems to me that they’d be doing all kinds of manufacturing over the summer, though!) I don’t get it.

Looking around other sites hasn’t been particularly helpful. Most sites seem to only carry a few brands, all hinged. Some have a variety, but you can’t search by tree type and every time you look at a contender, you’ll find hinged design—if they’ll tell you at all. I now know for sure that when I see National Tree Company, Vickerman, Northbright (a lot of these show up on multiple sites), those trees are not for me because they’re all hinged. Freaking Balsam Hill, the supposed Cadillac of trees, only does hinged trees too.

I don’t mind that hinged trees are a thing! I do mind that they’re just about the only thing, because if they work well for other people—and frankly I find that nearly impossible to believe already—they certainly do not work for me.

I’d even buy a more expensive tree, pay a premium, just to get the hook design and the style I want. I’m not being unreasonable! Tree makers of the world, I want to give you my business!

Good gads. Christmas shouldn’t make me want to get so stabby, but this tree search might finally drive me to take up drinking.

About Lummox JR

Aspiring to be a beloved supervillain
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