The Tide Pod Challenge… Really?

You may have noticed I didn’t get to making other Christmas posts. Well, I was busier over the holiday than I planned, and didn’t actually have too much to say. And right after the new year, I got sick. Everyone else in my family got sick too; I escaped a flu and only got a nasty cold, which is now gone except for some lingering thick congestion that won’t leave my chest, nor part of my sinuses. I only just got back to functional recently, but even so I’m still coughing like crazy at night—which is a huge problem for my wife. Thankfully though, she didn’t catch this.

So in the meantime, what’s this I hear about a viral video challenge of teens eating Tide Pods? Even though as I understand it, the challenge simply is to have the stuff in your mouth and spit it out, that’s still incredibly dangerous and you’ll still end up ingesting some of it.

Millennials, are you really that stupid? And if you are, should I care? Can I even bring myself to care? If you survive the ordeal and end up with major health complications in thirty years, I’m gonna point and laugh at your misery and lead the charge to keep taxpayer money from funding your survival, because if you’re really that stupid you deserve to freaking die.

Wait, that sounded heartless. What I mean is… If you’re really that stupid you deserve to freaking die. What’s more, you probably deserve it several times over for helping to encourage much younger, more gullible children to do it too.

I’ll actually feel something for a six-year-old who dies this way, and for their family, because that’s horrendous. Kids below a certain age simply aren’t blessed with common sense, and these most days parents aren’t blessed with the sense to tell their kids obvious stuff like don’t eat cleaning products. So if a young kid dies or ends up with serious medical complications from this, I’ll want blood. I’ll want the blood of whatever twit started this and a little bit from every stupid goon who helped keep it going. Somebody needs to shut this down now, not just by removing those videos but by literally beating sense into these cretins before it’s too late for someone else.

But for teenagers doing it, I can’t muster an ounce of compassion—and I consider myself a compassionate person. But as a teenager if you don’t know eating laundry detergent could potentially kill you, then bring on the Darwin awards; you don’t deserve the oxygen that a real person could be using. By some point a person has to have developed at least enough brains to master the basics. I understand teenagers doing risky play like dangerous skateboard tricks or being dumb enough to get pregnant (or get someone else pregnant); but those are the kinds of mistakes from thinking you’re just so awesome you won’t be crushed by the grim weight of statistics. Ingesting actual harmful-if-swallowed substances falls so many rungs below that, there can be no understanding.

Sooner or later someone is going to die from this stupidity before it burns out. I hope that whoever it is, they’re old enough to have known better and not someone much younger and more impressionable—in other words, someone who deserves it, not someone who probably ought to know better but can be forgiven based on their age. Let’s say 12 and up; above that line you had it coming. I hope that parents everywhere have the brains to tell their kids this could get them killed and even if it doesn’t it could be debilitating, so don’t do it. And I hope the next viral video craze is people who attempt or already did this challenge getting hit, because I’d watch the heck out of a compilation of Tide Pod challenge promoters being whacked upside the head.

Incidentally I actually tried to search for videos like that, but nothing came up. I’m not saying someone should absolutely make one to amuse me, but if someone does, heck yeah I’m gonna laugh. Instead all I found was a pretty depressing set of results suggesting even some big YouTubers are helping to push this. I hope their videos get pulled and they end up on the receiving end of some angry parent’s fist—and someone else films that and uploads it so I can laugh.

About Lummox JR

Aspiring to be a beloved supervillain
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