Conversations at Cupertino

The following are conversations I like to imagine actually happened in Apple’s headquarters.

Tim Cook: You know how other phones have those cool edge-to-edge screens? Let’s do that on the iPhone X.
Engineer: Good idea! My team will be excited to—
Tim Cook: Right, but I mean every edge.
Engineer: What about the front-facing camera?
Tim Cook: Cut out a notch.
Engineer: But people will hate—
Tim Cook: NOTCH!
Engineer: Okay, but what about the home button?
Tim Cook: Screw that. Users will use gestures instead.
Engineer: But people will hate—
Tim Cook: GESTURES!
Engineer: …All right. So you want the fingerprint recognition to unlock the phones done on the screen itself?
Tim Cook: No no no, we’ll use facial recognition!
Engineer: But that’s a million times less secure!
Tim Cook: FACIAL RECOGNITION!


Marketing Goon 1: Hey, have you seen all those awful Google commercials?
Marketing Goon 2: Oh yeah. Those are the worst. What were they thinking with that music?
Marketing Goon 1: Exactly. The music in their ads is so bad it’s memorable!
Marketing Goon 2: But the only message sticking with people is that Google sucks at music. Our ads have always been a little quirky in that department, but people seem to like quirky.
Marketing Goon 1: Right, but Google is out-quirking us. So for the iPhone X spots, we’re ditching quirky and going with craptacular just like Google.
Marketing Goon 2: Isn’t that a little too—
Marketing Goon 1: And we’re gonna push the facial recognition by casting people with really weird looks and showing them in all kinds of goofy makeup.


Engineer: Can we at least talk about making the battery repl—
Tim Cook: NO!

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About Lummox JR

Aspiring to be a beloved supervillain
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