We can’t have nice things (because nobody sells them anymore)

I’ve mentioned before about how when I become a supervillain, one of the departments under my benevolent reign will be the Ministry of Resurrected Products, bringing back items from the past that are sorely missed. But what I’m ranting about today isn’t a dead product, merely one I can’t find anymore.

I’m talking about paper plates.

I know what you’re thinking: There are paper plates in literally every grocery store. This is true, but for the most part, they suck.

My wife and I favor a specific kind of paper plate: mostly flat (they have a fluted area around the edge), plain white, grease-resistant. Simple. No foam, because you can’t microwave that. Although we never buy the artsy designs I have no objection to them if they’re cheap, but I just want something plain. We also definitely do not buy the plates with lips. I get the point of lipped plates, that if you’re eating outdoors it keeps food from sliding off, but for our purposes the lips are just a waste of space. Also, I’ve found that when you heat up a plate with a lip the lip tends to become less stable, costing the plate structural attributes it relies on and ultimately making it easy for the thing to bend down too far and spill crap if you hold it just by the edge.

To date, we have solved our plate needs with three different stores, because yes, no one single store sells more than one of the sizes we use. For little plates (7″) we go to Tops. For medium (9″), Walmart. The big ones (11″ if I recall correctly) we buy at Rite-Aid. It’s a complicated mess but it gets us the plates we want.

Unfortunately, Tops just switched to a different brand for their simple cheapo plates, and the new brand’s small size is 6 inches. Do you know what a 6″ paper plate is good for? Nothing.

A 6″ plate is more than 25% smaller than a 7″ plate. That difference matters.

In hopes of finding a solution, I went on safari today. After Tops wasted my time, I tried Target, which I’ve never looked at before for paper goods. Big fat nope. The only thing even close to what I want is in the lipped variety, and I’m telling you those plate just plain suck. I tried Walmart again, and struck out. Wegmans does not carry anything remotely appropriate for our needs (although I do buy paper bowls there).

So then I thought: Amazon. They have everything!

Good gads was I wrong. The closest I found was a brand that, again, only does 9″ or 6″. Oh, and for funsies Amazon likes throwing in wrong sizes into the search results. The paucity of choices was shocking, considering Amazon has built a reputation on being able to find almost literally everything there.

I have no idea where we go from here. We don’t want to stop using small plates, but I refuse to spend money on a plate as useless as the one I saw in Tops. Buying a 7″ plate with a stupid lip is idiotic, because the part without the lip is only 6″ as well. It seems like the product I’m describing should exist somewhere else in the universe besides a single grocery chain that has suddenly stopped carrying it in favor of a stupid, stupid replacement brand.

I hate it when stores and/or brands pull this crap. This also means it’s unlikely I’ll do a lot of shopping at Tops in the future. Morons.

About Lummox JR

Aspiring to be a beloved supervillain
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