Quick copycat pizza skins

This weekend my wife had a work event that kept her busy during the daytime hours, so I was left to my own devices. I realized it had been a while since I’d sat down and watched some MST3K, so I decided to do that. In particular it had been a while since I’d seen Space Mutiny, one of the funniest episodes ever. Naturally it required the appropriate snacks.

First, I bought Phish Food. This is my favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s, but I don’t eat nearly as much ice cream as I used to. I hardly ever buy it anymore, but I used to enjoy it quite a bit while watching some of the old classics.

Second, cheese sticks. My favorite brand is Giorgio, but for several years now they’ve been completely absent from every grocery store I can find. Completely. Wegmans stopped carrying them. Walmart doesn’t have them. Is it a conspiracy against the best mass-market cheese sticks on the planet? No other brand I’ve found has come close, but I did find that Alexia makes something pretty decent. Their cheese sticks are really garlicky, but hey, I like garlic.

Then, I needed pizza skins. This is a classic appetizer at Pizzeria Uno, a restaurant I no longer eat at because they’ve been mismanaged to death; it’s torture going there these days, especially the one in Destiny USA where I first fell in love with the things. But here’s what they are, if you don’t already know: Pizza crust in a deep dish, topped with mashed potatoes, cheddar, and bacon. I set out to make this for myself, and the result was super easy.

Copycat pizza skins

  • ½ Pillsbury thin crust pizza dough, unrolled
  • 1 package Betty Crocker instant mashed potatoes (will use about 1-1½ cups)
  • Shredded sharp cheddar, about 8 oz.
  • Bacon bits
  • Butter or margarine
  • Milk
  • Olive oil

Preheat oven to 450°. Grease the bottom, but not sides, of a cake pan or deep dish pizza pan (6″ to 9″) with a small amount of oil. Open dough and cut in half, then unroll. Place dough in pan and press against edges; trim excess, if any. Bake for about 8-10 minutes. While crust bakes, prepare potatoes using butter/margarine and milk. Remove baked crust from oven, and cover the center with mashed potatoes; you will only use about half of the potatoes if using a package, so save some for leftovers or you can make two batches using the other half of the dough. Cover liberally with cheese in a thick layer. Cover liberally with bacon bits. Continue baking (the temperature can be turned down if you want to make something else, like cheese sticks) for about 5-10 minutes until cheese is fully melted and you can’t stand the waiting anymore.

I specify Betty Crocker potatoes because they’re the best instant I know of, and also they come in pouches for easy measuring. I used the garlic cheddar kind; I also like their butter variety.

The bacon I used was Oscar Mayer, which came prepackaged as bits. If you use prepackaged bacon like I did, this recipe comes together in no time. You can also grate your own cheese, but unless you want something that doesn’t already come in a shredded package (like extra sharp cheddar, pepper jack, or whatever else you fancy), don’t bother.

Of course this recipe is open to lots of variation, so any kind of potatoes will do—including your favorite home recipe, which would probably be way better. If you have leftovers from another meal, they’ll work great here. Use the kind you like best. Want to add chives? I think that’s sick and twisted, but go for it. Mushrooms? Why not? Uno, by the way, serves their pizza skins with sour cream.

When I made this myself I was obliged to use a 9″ cake pan. I didn’t have any other pans handy, and Wegmans had a set of two for just a few bucks. I think 9″ is actually kind of big for this recipe—though it still came out awesome—so I would recommend using a pan with a smaller diameter if you have one, but don’t sweat it. If you try anything past 9″ though, you’re gonna have a hard time getting the crust to hold up under the weight of those potatoes.

Bottom line: If you have all the packaged ingredients on hand, you can throw this together in just over half an hour. If you have the potatoes already made—whether leftover or maybe there’s just a ready-to-heat store brand you like—you can attend to other things while it cooks. It’s a great game day snack, especially if you pair it with something like chicken Parm meatballs—which you can cook while the cheese is melting.

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Calzone balls experiment, Mark I

After my mom posted a recipe on Facebook for pizza balls, I thought I’d have a go at modifying it to make calzone balls. I love a good calzone, and I’m really picky about them. For me, by which I mean this should be law, a simple cheese calzone is a mixture of mozzarella and ricotta, maybe a little Parmesan, no sauce, in a thin crust that is not seasoned or rubbed with flavors that would distract from the cheese. It is a perfect cheese experience. Before they basically spun out their business, I used to rely on Gino & Joe’s to make a good calzone, but they eventually changed their recipe and were therefore dead to me. Just about the only place left near me that makes a good calzone is a pizza place called Paladino’s, which is actually where I first learned to love them.

Look, it’s not that I have a problem with people who want to put sauce in with the cheese or use a thicker crust or rub the outside with garlic and butter and Parmesan. I don’t have a problem with people wanting to use only mozzarella or only ricotta. Knock yourself out. Just don’t call it a calzone.

So on to the recipe. For reference, and because I think a lot of people will enjoy it, this is the original pizza balls recipe. I tracked it down and found out it’s from the Gunny Sack, and is called “easy pepperoni rolls“.

The core of this recipe is merely getting biscuit dough and stuffing it with something, so I got a can of Grands buttermilk biscuits, and mixed up ricotta and shredded mozzarella for the stuffing. I would have added a smidge of Parmesan but I didn’t have any. This is the recipe as I made it, not as I would make it next time. Post-mortem follows below.

Calzone balls, Mark I

  • 1 can Pillsbury Grands buttermilk biscuits
  • ½ cup whole milk ricotta
  • ½ cup shredded whole milk mozzarella

Mix cheeses in a bowl to form stuffing. Cut each biscuit (the can contains 8) in half. Roll half-biscuits into balls and press flat. Curse because you do not have a small rolling pin or a big enough work surface to get the dough flat. Use fingers to spread dough flatter. Place a spoonful of cheese into each flattened round, and gather sides to cover. Fail spectacularly with two of them because biscuit dough was not flattened enough and does not stay stretched. Place on ungreased cookie sheet and cook in a preheated 425° oven for just under 15 minutes.

Now as promised, the post-mortem. First, the dough tastes too much like a biscuit, not enough like pizza dough. I guess that should have been obvious going in. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t quite a calzone experience. The dough also didn’t get crispy. Many of the balls leaked a little, but the leakage issue wasn’t too terrible.

Somewhat worse, my cheese mixture was all wrong. When mixing shredded cheddar with ricotta, I highly recommend using a 2:1 ratio (by volume) instead. There wasn’t remotely enough mozzarella. The soft filling also gave me a lot of trouble. I did expect some trouble, but with the dough constantly contracting every time I tried to close it up, I decided that next time, I’m portioning the filling ahead of time into little balls and freezing them before trying to wrap dough around them. How I’ll actually accomplish that in my freezer, I don’t know.

The one thing that saved this experiment was that I made a quick garlic butter dipping sauce to eat them with. That was a little over half a stick of salted butter, and I’d say a little under a teaspoon of dried minced garlic, melted in a ramekin in the microwave. Having something to dip made the biscuit work a lot better, which I suspect is the point of the original pepperoni balls recipe.

So if I used a thinner, actual pizza dough next time, it occurs to me I could stuff the balls with almost anything. Tonia of the Gunny Sack thought the same thing, which is why she has several recipes you can check out. For me, I think mac & cheese would make a phenomenal stuffing, but she got to that idea first.

If you’ve read a lot of my posts on cooking you’ve probably wondered by now: Why do you always modify recipes and experiment instead of making them as-is the first time? There are two answers. First, I’m a picky eater and some of the elements in many of these recipes would not work for me. I don’t think I’d object to anything in the pepperoni balls except for the pizza dipping sauce, but it still isn’t what I wanted to make. Second, every time I experiment I learn a little more, and I think it makes me a better cook. The truth is I don’t cook very often except for very simple food, because it’s hard to find time during the week. So I keep experimenting, and with luck and work more of my late-night bad ideas can end up as very good ideas indeed. Now if only I had some meat glue…

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Eat the paste

With my wife on a crazy work schedule recently and both of us short on sleep thanks to a cat with an eye infection, we haven’t had a lot of time for good meals here lately. Nevertheless, this weekend I resolved to cook something nice.

I hadn’t had cheesy Stove Top chicken bake in a while, so I decided to make some just for me. (My wife can’t eat it, as she’s diabetic and therefore eating low-carb.) You can’t really scale down the recipe, because they don’t sell half-cans of cream of chicken soup. This time around I only used two chicken breasts, because the breasts I bought in a club pack at Wegmans were absolute monsters. I’m serious; we’re talking brick-sized. After I cut up two breasts I felt I didn’t need any more.

With that in the oven, I decided to try making a chicken breast sous vide for my wife. I took a little curry powder, a smidge of thyme, and some kosher salt, and tried to shake that all up in a freezer bag; there wasn’t very much of it. When I put the chicken in, I tried to smear the spices all around but I’m afraid I didn’t do a very even job. Next time I’m just seasoning it on a plate first.

Anyway, that chicken went in a water bath at 146° for an hour, although it ended up being a little over because of some timing issues. After it came out, I gave it a quick pan sear in clarified butter. If I had a brain in my head I would have used duck fat instead, because I have that in the fridge.

Although I did not try the chicken, it was perfectly cooked, and my wife was amazed by how juicy it came out. Considering this puppy had to be a couple of inches thick, I was impressed it cooked that well at all. It’d have to sit on the grill forever to achieve that kind of doneness, and it’d get dry.

I still have some other cooking ideas in the pipeline, like making an easy egg drop soup and trying to make low-carb wonton wrappers, and figuring out how to make a proper(ish) stir fry without a wok. (Why wonton wrappers? My wife loves crab rangoon. Using real crab is something neither of us want, and she can’t eat the imitation stuff, but at least I could do a simple cream cheese rangoon with some chives, maybe a little ginger, maybe a little garlic.) But the sous vide chicken came out so well, it got me thinking of something else: I want to try meat glue.

Transglutaminase is a natural enzyme, and it gets a bad rap because it can be abused to bond two pieces of meat and sell it to an unknowing consumer. But it’s amazing what can be done with it. One YouTube video has a guy making bacon spirals that can then be sliced into bacon rounds. I got to investigating the stuff when I found out a lot of recipes that use chicken skin use meat glue to bind it on. It’s made noodles out of seafood, or turned a single fish fillet into a roll that can be sliced into rounds for even cooking. Beef rib roasts can be trimmed of connective tissue and re-formed to make the perfect roast. And you can use it to seal shut a roulade or chicken Kiev, which is what got me thinking of this again.

Chicken and pork lend themselves to stuffing. Especially pork, as modern variations of it have been bred way, way too lean. (Lean pork is an abomination against nature. When I become a supervillain, so help me we’ll fatten up those piggies.) With transglutaminase, I could butterfly a breast, stuff it with any kind of filling I want, seal up the edges with meat glue, and then once it’s set overnight the whole thing can be cooked sous vide—or breaded and then baked or fried, if I want.

Now the idea of me using this stuff freaks my mom out, but then she’s unnerved by the fact that I don’t mind using MSG. Here’s the deal: MSG is basically a simple molecule, and it breaks down into chemical products found in all sorts of natural foods. Its not the health devil it’s made out to be. Meat glue is in a similar boat, mostly because of its slang name, but it’s a perfectly natural enzyme. Now I’m not one of those idiots who thinks natural equals safe, but what I know of the product and the process it employs does not raise any red flags for me. It seems quite safe, so why not use it to achieve molecular gastronomy greatness?

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Mark of the toolbag

This is still bothering me, so I’m gonna expand on it.

There’s a standard we set for all Superbowl ads. They can be funny, they can be heartwarming, or they can be some combination of the above as well as awesome. Anything that does not fall within that triangle is a Disappointment, and there should be criminal penalties for it.  Like floggings.

Continue reading

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Nationwide is on my List

When I become a supervillain, the execs at Nationwide responsible and the stupid, stupid, stupid stupid stupid ad agency responsible for making that hideous dead kid commercial and showing it during the Superbowl will be brought to justice.

This is not okay. I will not forgive.

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Enough with the Tapatalk

If you use Tapatalk to post on forums online, turn off the signature feature. Turn it the frell off. You’re adding crap to the messages for no reason, and secretly everyone wants to hit you with a rock.

Update: If you’re the company that makes Tapatalk, rip out the signature feature. Rip it the frell out. Everybody hates you for this and openly wants to hit you with a rock.

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Superbowl wishes (for chaos)

This is my first post of the new year, mainly for one big reason: I got sick not long afterward, catching a nasty cold from someone at a big game night—which was postponed from New Year’s Eve in the first place because my mother was sick then. The last time we had a big party at my parents’, the weekend before Halloween, I got sick then too. I think one of the regulars is a carrier.

Having been sick for a while, I didn’t have much going on. Not a lot of cooking, except that I made chicken soup the first night, with egg noodles, and managed to use way too many noodles. Apparently you can screw up soup.

But now it’s time to talk about football. Superbowl IL is coming up (I refuse to spell it as two words or use the “official” Roman numerals), and it’s going to suck. Hard. On Sunday the championship games for both conferences ended in what I consider the worst-case scenario. I’m a Bills fan, but the Packers are my next favorite team, and I was rooting hard for them. Then they had to go and blow a field goal defense play, allowing the Seahawks to execute a fake that ultimately revitalized their entire game. Because they eliminated the Packers, the Seahawks must suffer.

But on the other side, we have the Patriots eliminating the Colts. I have no feelings either way about the Colts now that they’re not a division rival to the Bills, but I have many, many solid reasons to loathe the Patriots.

If I had to decide which team I hate marginally less, I’d say probably the Seahawks. I can’t bring myself to root for them, so much as to root against the Patriots just a smidge harder. Come game day, my only recourse is to root for mayhem and humiliation. I want to see a game that embarrasses both teams deeply, one that the winner can’t even feel good about. Massive amounts of turnovers, blown plays at every turn, stupid execution penalties—you name it, I want to see it. Sacks are nice, except they’re something for the defense to feel proud of; I’d rather see both quarterbacks simply trip over themselves constantly, although I wouldn’t mind seeing Tom Brady get hit a lot. Not injured, just hit.

So mostly I’m in it for the food and the commercials this year. If any company delivers a lousy commercial this year, and statistically that’ll probably be half of them, they are making my List and they’ll be made to answer for their crimes when I come into power. (All aspiring supervillains who want any kind of respect, least of all from themselves, should have this exact same goal.) I’m sick of everyone dropping the ball; if anyone drops the ball, it should be on the field. A lot.

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